Final Theory

I'm sure, if you've talked to me philosophically in the past two or three years, you've heard one of my rants. A popular one to blog about is how the human experience boils down to a dilemma between self-interest, and social obligation.

Chances are, you've heard me talk about semiotics, and the subjectivity of sign systems. How we are unable to communicate absolutes. 

If you've talked to me in the past year, you've probably heard me talk about the natural world, and modes of perception. You have, no doubt, heard me use the sine wave to describe human communication, thought patterns, states of being/mentalities, and others. "It's all about wavelengths".

Yes and no.

I have recently had the experience of observing the natural world in wave form. Never you mind what this entails. I have observed the universal laws of nature in their own right, without sign systems to represent them. I have felt the mathematics of it all, so to speak. 

The thing is, wavelengths are a mathematical interpretation, and therefore a sign system which just will not suffice. In the system of sine waves, we recognize a 0-value. but I'm here to tell you that this theoretical "zero" does not exist in the laws of nature.

Let's say you want to tell me how tall you are. You would probably use imperial units of measure. let's say you are exactly 6 feet tall. These units of measure are a sign system which would, in most instances of human interaction, be determined to have a shared meaning. However, the fact is, that there is no agreement on what constitutes these units of measure.

Well how much is 6 feet? I ask.

It is 72 inches.

How much is an inch? 

It is 0.08333333 ft.

Very well, there is a defined relationship between the two. But what is an inch constituted of? how is an inch broken down?

we would continue in this fashion, down through millimeters, micrometers, nanometers, etc. Until we came arrived at atomic structure.

What is an atom?

Traditionally, an atom is something which cannot be broken down further. But modern science has shown us that the atom is made up of yet smaller particles, therefore, it can be broken down further, by dividing the nucleus into protons and neutrons. These, in turn, may be broken down into units of measure, varieties of quarks. which can also be measured. As it happens, 1 yoctometer, is one/one-hundred thousanth (1/100,000) of the diameter of a proton or neutron. 

But what makes up a yoctometer?

I'm sorry if this whole thing insults your intelligence, the point is, our arbitrary sign systems can continue to come up with signs to represent the size of something, but on an infinitesimal scale, there is no way to ever quantify the universe, as every quantification would have to be qualified with a unit of measure, and so on.

How is it relevant? Is it truly necessary to measure beyond the cells of the human body? In this mortal realm, isn't what determines everything else we know or do, based upon the question 'is it alive or dead?" If it is alive, then all is well. And if it is dead, then 'well' becomes irrelevant to the deceased. In this case, shouldn't we need only consider the individual himself? living or dead? 

Let's see. What does the word "individual" mean? The root isn't that hard to sniff out, it's related to the theory of atomos, or atoms. It is indivisible. incapable of being divided. since we know that you and I are capable of being divided into smaller parts, then we know that we are not individuals. Then who are we? Are we the sum of our collective, infinitesimal matter? but what is that matter? what about beyond that? If we cannot conceive of the infinite measure of "matter", then should it matter?

Does it matter so much that the Hadron Collider is a danger to our existence? Maybe. What if we understood the universe completely? Is it possible to do with science? A system which operates on classification and measurment? In this paradox, even the quantum realm is given limits. A finite system attempting to explain infinity.

I believe that the true nature of the universe is something that cannot be discovered with microscopes. Nor can it be explained "a man in the sky created it" simply because it is a claim as unknowable as infinity. No, there is definitely more to be discovered than what constitutes a hadron particle, or what constitutes that which constitutes a hadron particle. If mankind were truly designed by a god, we would possess the ability to comprehend that god. If we we comprehended god, then we would understand what god is made up of. And what gave him the capacity to design the universe. If god created the universe, then he created the laws on which it functions, and if he created the laws on which it functions, then he must understand them completely. But then again, he would have to understand the ability of his own existence prior to that of the universe. What you end up with is infinite regress. Unless that paradox is resolved, you and I are every bit as capable as any god, which isn't much at all. 

Signs fail. measurement is a system of signs. If you want to understand it, try not "measuring" it at all.

demo reel

rough cut demo reel.

A review of Sound

I had an assignment to listen to a performance by an orchestra of Ravel's Bolero. since I don't really have an ear for critical, or analytical listening, I decided to approach it as an English assignment; Enjoy.

I should probably mention that I am partially deaf in my right ear. And, as it happens, I am just getting over an ear infection in my left ear. So, to be honest, I listened to this 3 times without being able to hear the difference between the first several instruments; I have never really been able to identify timbre within a given family of instruments, besides guitar (i.e. acoustic vs classical). I finally found a filming of a recording of Bolero by the Los Angeles Philharmonic, which helped me see the different instruments.
Link here: http://vimeo.com/7881392 (performance starts around 11min 30sec)

Obviously I knew from the list of instruments in the assignment description that Flute was first, but like I said, I cannot tell the difference between most woodwinds. I was even tricked by the video, wherein a flautist appears to be playing his flute (although he may in fact just be keeping time or something) but the camera then pans to reveal the clarinetist is actually the one playing. The instruments that stood out to me, as it turns out, were the switches between instrument families (with the exception of the Saxophone, which I have only just learned is not a member of the brass family).

The Soprano saxophone is recognizable to me because of my grandmother's extensive collection of Kenny G (I don't think I ever heard her listen to anything but Kenny G and Richard Clayderman). But, I fear I lack a vocabulary to describe its tone. Except that it reminds me of the soundtrack on the animated version of "The Wind and the Willows".

The Piccolo always surprises me at how very high-pitched it is. I was able to recognize it when it finally came in, but I actually mistook the second entry of the flute for it, because i forget how very piercing the its tone is.

The next instrument I was able to recognize was the Trombone, which is unique because of its "slide" tone, where the notes are not so much/always "jumped" between. it reminds me of an elephant's—none in particular—trumpeting sound. It also has a very wide range that starts to sound like a tuba toward the end of its solo.

Lastly, the strings are recognizable because of their unique style, which is a mixture of quick, clippy notes and notes that are held out longer. They also have a wid versatility in volume, and the vibrato is also characteristic.

The mood of the piece make me think of a cadence for a militia. The drums feel like a marching beat, and the piccolo always makes me think of civil war movies, though it is more relaxed than a marching cadence.

The tempo remains the same for the majority of the piece, and the various different instruments remind me of the idea of sampling, or demonstration. As if the composer were trying to pick the right instrument to compose the piece for, and held auditions, to which all kinds of anthropomorphized instruments show up, and  sort of try to one up each other in the rehearsal room, eventually forming gangs based on their familial ties, and ultimately ending with a battle.

The intensity builds dramatically toward the end of the piece. but it is a very subtle build in the rest of it. When the groups all come in, and the volume increases, is the first time that I, as a listener, become aware that it has gradually been building up to that point.

Dividing Camels

A man in Arabia died, leaving his estate—consisting of 17 camels— to his three sons. Before passing, he told them that it was his will that the eldest receive 1/2 of the camels, the second eldest to receive 1/3rd of the camels, and the youngest to receive 1/9th of the camels.

Upon convening to divide their inheritance between them, the three sons were perplexed with the dying words of their father; 17 camels are not divisible by 2, nor by 3, nor by 9. They wished to honor their father's last wish, but it appeared that their father had made a mistake.

When it seemed that no one could be allotted their rightful inheritance, they brought their problem before an old woman whom they all trusted to make a fair judgement of how they should proceed. However, she was also unable to find a fair way to divide the 17 camels amongst them. This old woman had a good heart, and seeing that she could not help them otherwise, she insisted that they allow her to give them her own camel.

The brothers accepted reluctantly, and again began to discuss their plight. Now, with one more camel to divide they sat down to do the math once again.

One half of the 18 camels would go to the eldest son. He took 9 camels.
One third of the 18 camels would go to the second eldest son. He took 6 camels.
One ninth of the 18 camels would go to the youngest son. He took 2 camels.

The remaining camel? They returned it to the old woman.

"To thine own self be true"

This posting is going to be different.

I'm going to be different.

I realized recently that I am very discontented with who I am; I am not aligned with my own values. Sure, sure, you've heard me rant about it before on here, how I am continuously trying to weed out the things about myself that I don't like. Overcoming selfishness has been a big theme in my life for the past few years. I have this theory that just about every breakdown in communication, every impasse, every altercation, comes from selfishness. If we were all a little less selfish— if we could see outside ourselves for a moment (which is immensely difficult in the moment, granted), I think we would all find that life is less of a struggle. While we sit by—taking it easy, nursing our own aches— there is someone sliding from their vantage, dangling on a precipice, calling out for help.

The truth is, several months ago, I made an unconscious decision to be completely selfish. It wasn't decided in those terms... which is exactly what let the attitude settle in. The thought was something like this 'I am tired'. And slowly, as occasions would arise, I would identify what was making me so tired.

'Tired of meeting expectations', 'tired of being let down', 'tired of being accountable', 'tired of taking the fall', 'tired of hoping and praying', 'tired of pretense','tired of sharing...' 

Then I came to the conclusion that I just was too tired to care. So I stopped.

And now I have become disgusted with who I am. I am self-indulgent, judgmental, and non-compassionate, self-serving, lazy and unmotivated.

As I write this, I am watching the first rays of dawn trinkle through my window, and I have yet to sleep. I spent the entire night tinkering with my camera, trying to perfect a new technique. Wait— not the entire night. I also set 3 new speed records on Minesweeper. I am Evan's complete embarrassment. 

So now I commit to getting back to that place I was at, and striving to attain that place I want to be. I worry people when I say this, but I honestly feel that time is a factor in fulfilling my dreams. As I enrolled in spring classes, I came to the realization that I was committing 4 more months of my life to the pursuit of a degree that I don't actually feel I will have much time to "use" before I die. Sounds melodramatic even to me, but this inkling comes from a tried and trusted sense that I've never really been able to explain. 

All the more reason for me to be the person I want to be.

Here We Go Again

It's that time again.

I am ready to spin the globe.

It's a rule: You must cover your eyes when you spin the globe. I want to cover my eyes, plug my nose, clench my jaw til my ears ring, clench my fists til my fingers numb, hold my breath til I'm bursting... and spin that globe.

Sound overly-dramatic?

I do catch myself doing all of the above, though perhaps not all at the same time. I am so frustrated. I mean frustrated in the sense that my plans are at a standstill.

Cover my eyes because I'm surrounded by evidence of failures, and to see in my mind's eye where I want to be.

Plug my nose because I'm surrounded by the pungent odor of dead dreams, relationships, stagnant projects, and a future in waste management.

My ears, because every song reminds me of a conversation, a moment, a laugh, etc. I CANNOT stay here.

Clenched fists? because, I suppose, despite all my aspirations of Zen, I am still full of bad energy.

Holding my breath is one way I can more clearly envision my goals. I've been living with myself for 26 years, and I always manage to blunder my dreams. Sometimes, I like to pretend I'm not right there, breathing down my neck, waiting to ruin my plans.

Is 26 too late to start completely over?

/rant

[Posted with iBlogger from my iPhone]

So... Installment art.

I have an idea for the most beautifully awesome installment art.

But I would need a place to put it, most preferably indoors. It would potentially be 3-4 stories tall, and I can't even begin to estimate cost. But man, I would love to make it a reality. Obviously, as an artist, I am too paranoid to actually let my concept out into the unknown universe. but I think this particular piece of art would actually be the art of aesthetics, and synergy. Utilizing the talents of several different artisans, from painters, to wood workers, to audio design, to textiles... I would love to make it happen.

So where does one start in looking for sponsorship and "hosting" of installment art? I would probably be able to find all the artists myself. and get an engineer on board to make my vision possible....

The World is Floating

You know that sensation when you try and reach a high shelf? rarely used muscles are stretched, and you become aware that you've pretty much been living at eye-level for the past who-knows-how-long.

I haven't had that sensation in a long time.

When you think about it, the world turns indifferently of whether or not you think about it.

I can't think of anything to write, but I feel like writing. Strike that. I want to write about something else but I can't bring myself to do so--hence, word-vomit.

I'm thinking about making a to-do list. If I were to type it up, it would read as follows.

1. clean my room
2. do my laundry
3. sell all my valuables
4. find some prospect for the next couple of months (cruise to the bahamas, chill.)
5. plan my next move from there.

My thoughts are these: If I am going to do any sort of off-shore sailing any time soon, I'm going to have to jump in with both feet. I could plan and budget for a boat that meets my needs, but I know myself too well... 1 of 2 things could come of that: Either I would become impatient and purchase a boat that doesn't fit my needs, but fits my budget and availability (NOW) requirements; or I will NEVER be able to afford the boat I want because I will always hold out for something a little better, and consequentially a little more expensive. I will be an old man before I ever get to live my dream, and that, my friends, is quite simply a nightmare to me.

I came across (okay, I launched a determined search for..,) a guy who sails from Ft Lauderdale to the Bahamas and the Key Islands about 3 times per season, and takes on a new crew of experienced and unexperienced sailors each time. Each voyage is about 15 days long, and he charges about $700 per trip + food. I'm tempted to sell my meager possessions and go on two of those expeditions. Maybe even just one would do. If I were able to, during the voyage/stay, make connections with someone else doing something similar (or possibly just someone short-handed, willing to take me on) I would be thrilled to do it. Also, at that price I am getting 15 days of actual sailing at sea, as opposed to a 7-day cruise, where I don't really get the feeling that I'm on the water, so much as on a building surrounded by water... :)

Mostly, I am thinking that the likelihood that I will get experience, and eventually a boat, is drastically increased if I'm actually AT sea, surrounded by people who know people and places.

I just have to make my mind up.

:)

[Posted with iBlogger from my iPhone]

Final Report

05/21/97
Moved into new address. So far, so good. Unpacking is slow-going; I can't be too loud, the downstairs neighbors are very suspicious of me, and I don't care to get off to a bad start. They are possibly Jewish—I cannot say for certain. They only poked their noses out when I began bringing in boxes. All in all, I think this place will be good for me. It's a quiet neighborhood.

05/22/97
Day 2 in new apartment. I got an early start on unpacking. Need to get those little wall adapters for power cables with ground prongs... at least this place has electricity at all. The previous tenant never had the power turned off... very suspicious. There is a grocery store on the corner, but I don't think I'll shop there. It seems too much of a community spirit there. I can shop at the super-mart on #### street. Returned to find a plate of brownies from my new neighbors down the hall, the "Pulsiphers". Took them inside but immediate disposed of them. Upon reflection, I should have just left them on the floor outside my door. I hope everyone isn't this friendly.

05/23/97
Basically Completely moved in, only to find I may have to move yet again: there is a man moving into a facing apartment across the street, one floor higher than mine. It is definitely not the same man as before. I noticed him last night while I was listening to my music (through headphones, obviously. Some of the other tenants here still don't know I've moved in.) When I suddenly felt the urge to look out my window. Sure enough, he was unloading boxes from the back of a Volvo 760. It is blue, I think it is an '83. I'm going on best guesses because I cannot, at this point, go to he library. At any rate, it seems to be burning oil (judging by the sooty back hatch, above the tailpipe). Back to New Guy: He only had one load of boxes. He then parked his car in the parking garage on ####, Which is still within view, he must not suspect I was watching. I turned off the lights in my apartment and "made my bed". I sat on the floor in the kitchen for about 3 hours and sure enough, he came to window and looked out. He is a tall man, probably in his 40's. He wears glasses. When the opportunity came, I moved to the bathroom. I will sleep here tonight.

05/24/97
Bright morning, loud in the streets. Monday. The New Guy gets an early start to his day. He left around 5:30AM. I am making plans to "one-up" him when he returns. First, I have to go shopping. Stockpile enough to last me 1 month. I will set up for surveillance on the roof. 6:36PM. Procured enough sustenance to last 3 weeks. New Guy arrived at about (exactly) 4:50PM. spent most of his time in the living area, he didn't draw back the curtains like he did last night. He left at 6:21PM. I continued to watch, in case he was trying to fake me out. Hopefully the next few days will establish a pattern that I may work around.

05/25/97
New Guy left his "home" at the same time today. Not surprised. I have made a cache of provisions and weapons, as well as a safe place to store my documents. I have an uneasy feeling about this New Guy. He seems so unconcerned.

05/26/97
If I must move again, I will leave everything here and start over completely. I will have to move further this time. I will disclose the new location as per enemy evasion protocol...

05/26/97
3120177 170111 017 1 111177 01774 12350120 1774 1773556935 117 969312 5003. 46113 12365017 70 83713113 1774 7617 111177 1776153 6 1770113 50017.

052797
57641179 0117 03 51947. 5617 51112111113 3012 680117 9 0645 1111740117 736111179 570537.

053097
51711671017 465 83501773 0359312673. 111177 76153 173553556124 177365111235 70 9123113177 569711123. 012117151179 7075 03 3711105 117 91239612671017.

060197
680117 70 56111 033 1774 7337 46170. 111177 74317 50175111773 46170 111174 *12310*

060397
5191713156177 7055 03 87000. 573391179

Healing Hands For Haiti/ Utah Hospital Task Force

Greetings generous donors,

On behalf of the Healing Hands for Haiti International Foundation, I would personally like to thank you for your generosity at this critical time. You are wonderful examples of the human spirit. I would really love to send each of you a personal thank you letter, but logistically this would be impossible given the number of you wonderful donors. Therefore, may this impersonal email convey the sincere appreciation we as a board feel for you at this time. You will never know the impact these funds will have on many Haitians lives. Healing hands for Haiti is a 501(C)3 charitable foundation, so your contributions are tax deductable. For donations under $250.00, your PayPal receipt or your cancelled check will be sufficient proof of contribution. For those of you donating $250.00 or more, I will be sending you an official receipt.

The Healing Hands for Haiti International Foundation has made significant strides to provide aid to the suffering Haitians at this time. We currently have two medical professionals from our board of directors on the ground in Haiti. Dr. Jeff Randle, just returned after a week of service. To see the efforts and experiences of Dr. Jeff Randle, go to his blog at http://www.chiefhhh.blogspot.com.

As many of you know, Steve Studdert has coordinated a major relief effort in partnership with the Healing Hands for Haiti International Foundation. Many of you have contributed to this Utah Hospital Task Force through Healing Hands for Haiti, we thank you for these donations. Those for whom you have contributed are scheduled to travel this week and will have a life changing experience as the assist in the relief efforts in Haiti.

Although all 7 of the buildings on our property have been completely destroyed, or rendered uninhabitable, we have opened up our campus as a safe haven for two orphanages that were destroyed near our facilities. Additionally, our compound will be used by humanitarian groups for weeks to come.

In the 10 year existence of the Healing Hands for Haiti International Foundation we never imagined such a devastating blow to the people and country that we love and serve. I want to assure you that your funds will be used appropriately in the care of these great people and the rebuild of their beautiful country. To stay apprised of our efforts, follow us at our website- www.healinghandsforhaiti.org.

Thank you again,

Trent Goddard
Treasurer
Healing Hands for Haiti International Foundation

737 Jet Chartered For Haiti | Utah News, KUTV, 2News, Utah Community

737 Jet Chartered For Haiti | Utah News, KUTV, 2News, Utah Community

Becoming perfect in Christ requires not that we do all righteousness, but that we resolve to cease UNrighteousness (forsake our sins). We must have fait

And Then it Occurred to Me...

Some birds like Shiny things.

I'm babysitting a Parakeet for the next 3 days. His Name is Zeus, and he is a pretty nice guy. He has a little toy (among others) that hangs in his cage with a little spin-y mirror. I can't tell if he pecks it because it has his reflection in it, and he hasn't got a friend in the world, or if he just likes the fact that it spins. But it just occurred to me that he may be aware that when it spins, it sends a beam of light right into mine eye. I wouldn't put it past the mind of an animal to be able to become aware of something like that, let alone a poor little parakeet without a friend in the world, with nothing better to do than inch side to side on a stick and peck at a mirror every once in a while.

Poor thing, he can't even talk. He kinda sings along to the music I put on, but only when it first starts, or resembles a sound he can make. Zeus, you're a good bird; I'm sorry you were bred in captivity, and than you've never known what it's like to fly more than a foot or two. It seems an awful crime to keep you from doing what god created you for.

I'm not going to go join ALF of PETA over it, but I think I've just decided not to have a pet unless it can be free to do as it likes (don't worry, that will never entail a promiscuous dog or cat). I think it would be cool to have a trained bird, one that would live on my boat with me. But it would probably have to be a bird of prey, as I don't think I would spare the food storage space for birdseed. A medium sized bird that would live on the deck of my boat and eat fish would be perfect. I'd bring 'em inside if the weather got too crazy, but other than that, he/she would be free to fly alongside me an' my boat, go catch a fish, fly along some other boat, fly away to a happier spot on land... etc.

Thanks for reading.

Evan

You wear me out when you're feeling cold
You're so fashionable
Remember when we used to do everything together?
Seasons change--you leave me in the dark.
I didn't see you all summer, did you think of me?
Your scent still lingers... Have you changed perfumes since last year?
What if you've outgrown me?
We used to be so comfortable--cozy.
You; in my arms.
Remember when we met?
You weren't sure about me at first--I wasn't your "type".
But we just fit, didn't we?
I still compliment you, but it's not the same.
Did you get bored with me?
You're so fashionable...
When--why did we stop going out?
Was I just an accessory?
Was I not enough? Could I not protect you?
I just feel so empty without you.
Maybe if I were more versatile...
But that's not it, is it? I'm not clingy. You're not superficial.
I'll admit--I need you, but it's not like you're the only one for me.
It's just--you know me. Inside and out.
It's quite possible that you were made for me, and I for you.
We complete each other.
There are billion other girls in the world, but I want you only.
You have your pick as well, but no other suits you like me.
I don't blame you if you don't want me anymore
I'm sure you must be bored with me
Not to mention I have nothing to offer you
Except the $20 and the lip balm in my pocket, but those are yours anyway.

Sincerely,
Last Year's Winter Coat.

Housing Arrangements

I've just realized that, even though all my life I've dreamed of owning a mansion someday, I actually don't want a big house.

It occurred to me when I was thinking of having family dinner. Just regular family dinner. In a huge house it would be unlikely that it would happen on any sort of regular basis, which is what I want. Just considering the spread-outness of living in a huge house, it would become cumbersome to track everyone down and say "supper time" and the likelihood of everyone actually coming to the dinner table would be pretty small.

But heres what I DO want.

A large bit of property.

I used to want a pool in my house, now I want a pool house. I used to want a in-home theatre with theatre seating and all that. Now I want a standalone building for that purpose(it'll also have an arcade/gameroom). I would be fine with a two car garage, as long as I have a shop down the hill where I can keep all my projects and toys.

I don't want 3 guest bedrooms. I want a GUEST HOUSE! that way when my kids grow up to be failures, they can always move home and not be too much of a burden.

Thanks.

Hitchhike to Zion

Zion National Park, Here I come!

It's fall break, an I wanna go camping before it gets too winterly. I had given up on the idea of doing it during break because I happen to be pretty broke right now, and I didn't want to worry with logistics. Then my Buddy Robbie pitched the perfect solution--hitchhike!

In the past I have had pretty great success with hitchhiking, I think it's great. I wouldn't be who I am today if not for a kind soul on the backroads of the Yukon.

I'll be taking my camera, in order to document the experience, I'm no Ross McElwee, but I guess we'll see how it goes.

Wish me luck!

Love/Hate Relationship

I'm in school again.

I'm worried because my excitement at returning to school is already wearing off... less than 3 weeks into the semester! I think it's because I'm finally getting homework. Which means I need to keep track of assignments now. I have a presentation to do on Friday (I hate public speaking), I have 12 days to memorize 3 pages of dialogue (and a performance of the scene in class... again... I hate it), read a 1-act play by Monday, a 10-page play due by the 30th, a 2 page script, storyboard, as well as shot list, logline and "pitch" for a short film, which I have yet to edit together... I have to eavesdrop on a 2 conversations, grade 24 papers, watch a 3 hour documentary (I get 5 points extra credit to check out the film and show it in a classroom to my classmates on Friday. might as well, I say). This all means I have to have some self-mastery and actually do my homework and stuff... that's hard for me to do.

While it occurs to me that all this homework sounds like a lot of drudgery... I also just bought a copy of Aristotle's Poetics for personal reading pleasure, which will go in my stack of 7 books that I'm already reading...

I love to learn, I loe to write, I love to read, I love to edit films.... I just don't like all these assignments!

Fallacy: "you know what you did!"

So... in one of my classes, we were challenged to come up with a story, then we were told to write a sort of monologue for the main character. then we were told to justify the Antagonist's views.

I didn't have a story in mind(the one I had come up with didn't really work for the last exercise), so I started coming up with general motivations for someone to do what they do.

-The end result is all that matters. "the end justifies the means".
This is where an antagonist could truly want the BEST results and does "whatever it takes" to attain that end., but then again, what's "best" is pretty subjective isn't it?
-Love. "true love conquers all".
This is a more identifiable view than doing something out of hate. hate makes you bad, love makes you good (or at least misunderstood).
-Religion. ...not gonna go there, but it has a LOT of potential
-Insanity
This is actually something that strikes me as very, very interesting in a story. Anyone who has seen Adaptation (with Nicholas Cage, Chris Cooper, and that one woman)
and has anything to do with writing knows that this is the cheapest way to "twist" a story... Fight Club, Secret Window, maybe even Psycho. Where we are told at the last second that someone was crazy and that explains everything. it's usually unsettling, but generally I think it makes for a weakened message.
However, if this insanity isn't a twist, if it is acknowledged very early on... then I think that makes for a very human, very pitiable perp. Of mice and Men-kinda.

Anyway. that's that.

I also learned something recently about communication, hence the title of this post.
'You know what you did' is probably the most false statement anyone can presume to make. I think that the key part of that phrase is "did". No one DOES just one thing. any behavior or action can actually have myriad effects. So when someone asks innocently "what did I do?" it's probably best to relate to them exactly what you perceived that they did. Because that might be brand new information to this alleged "perpetrator".

Letting this assumption, that each other "knows what they did", go unaddressed is incredibly detrimental. When someone does something, and you assume you know why, then you are inclined to respond in defense or response to their perceived motive. If you are hurt, you may want to get even, or you may want to be pitiful and hope they "come around". This quite often results in a cycle. "You hurt me, I hurt you, you get even, I get even, you one-up, I one-up" back and forth, until someone throws in the towel, or someone goes too far. The proper way to address being hurt (i'm learning) is to not assume ill will-- there is no "perp". Instead, you must assume that the offender is unaware of your pain, and inform them of it. Most likely they are unaware, or if they ARE aware, they will probably tell you the reason they did what they did. Their reason may actually be that they are getting back at you for hurting them, and you had NO idea that you had. So don't be so quick to decide you're the victim. You may, in fact, be the perpetrator.

Gonna Take Some Time...

Hey Reader...

Why do you keep coming back? isn't this blog a little repetitive? Do I not have 3 or 4 topics that I rotate through with the occasional exception? Surely the intrigue now is when I'll finally "get it"... well this post is certainly not that one.

This post is yet ANOTHER lament on my life; Feeling trapped, tied down, burdened, scarred, scared, skeptical...

I'm here in Utah, with no real desire to be here whatsoever. It's nice having my brother and sister-in-law around. I have a lot of friends here.... Sure, these things are all true. But I have been here nearly 4 years, and I'm bored with it. I want my simple life back, when I wasn't tethered to school with in-state status. And, with just over half of my program completed, leaving now would be a complete waste.

Maybe I need to stop fantasizing about how good life could be somewhere else. I know that things would be just as hard somewhere else, it's just that I can't stop daydreaming about how things would be NEW somewhere else. And Utah and the experience is growing old and stale. I need a change. I want to escape the familiarity, I want to feel uncomfortable, but instead of the cause being a cramped, squelched feeling, I want it to be uncertainty. I want to date someone who doesn't know 30 of my friends... having mutual friends really takes away the "mystery"-- the get-to-know-you factor. It may not seem likely, but I assure you, there are no "Strangers" left here for me.

I just want to take my camera, my two favorite pair of jeans, a good book and a deck of cards and just GO.

If you, or someone you know, would like to sponsor me... please get in touch.

Evan

Been thinkin' about this post(I didn't really think it through, just wrote it). What I have come to realize, is that it's not that I know everybody around me, and I want some mystery in my life... there are oodles of people I don't know, and I could get to know them fairly easily. But, the problem is that there are a LOT of people who know me, but then again, they DON'T know me at all. In the past year I've had a huge change in my life, I think in the past 3 or 4 years I've been 3 entirely different people. Now, the people who have known me more than a year have this idea about me that I am all out of energy to quash, people who have known me longer than that have these very, very deep-rooted ideas about me that I can't change, EVER. If they were to take a look at me, they wouldn't see a new person, they would say "Oh, a new Evan! and that may be true, I am a new Evan, I can't be anyone else. But there is no severance in their minds between who I am now, and who I was before. There is still, in there minds, this continuity that cannot be called a new beginning, because they weren't there for the event, they weren't privy to my thoughts. All they know is that I've made changes, but they don't know the depth to which I have changed. I don't know that they could fathom it. I am still Evan, and I am limited to who I am --and what I might become-- by what I have been.

New people can't know me either, but the beauty of it is that they aren't blinded by images of what I used to be. That's what a move and a new life would do for me. Like I said, I could get to know new people here, people I have never met before. But I can't escape the people who I know already, and the transference between the old me and new me that they subconsciously perform.

Another thing. I would say I am quite lonely. I would say that I have a lot of friends, and I enjoy them immensely--but I'm lonely. I'm not playing the victim here... perhaps more the martyr. I choose to be lonely. I could be "Dating" someone within a week if I decided to, but I have made a choice not to. It's definitely not fun. It occurs to me every now and again, when I realize some girl is smitten with me, that it would be so simple just to go along with it. Why not? many of these girls are exceptionally attractive, and not all of them have issues. I could easily get along with them, even enjoy being with them.... But it wouldn't be fair. As much as I could enjoy a relationship right now, I am too self-centered to invest myself. I've chosen myself over someone else, because until find someone I want to choose over myself, I will be too selfish for any relationship. So, here I am.

Lessons Learned

I've been sleeping in a mortuary for the past few nights. Long story that involves a bet I lost, and housing-limbo.. Just kidding.

My best friend has this sweet set up where he answers the phones after business hours/on weekends. And in turn, he and his wife and their lilbabykid get to live rent free in a decent-sized apartment. Pretty sweet. except they are homebodies.

Anyway, a marriage came to town, that town was Houston, so they got to a much-needed vacation. I am covering the phones for them while they're gone. As we speak, I'm sprawled out on the couch(sprawled sounded like the wrong word, and I just realized that for some reason, in my head it means "face down"... which I am not...) trying to pass the time in some other way than washing dishes and cleaning up around here.

Here are a few things I've learned (this is my first live-in shift).

1. Everyone I try to explain this to suggests that I just have the calls forwarded to a cell phone, that way I'd be free to leave.... not that simple.

2. This job is definitely designed for a young (maybe not-so-young actually) married couple.
Phones are to be answered within 2 rings, after the 3rd, it will be picked up by a disgruntled Funeral Director(he's a nice guy, but no one wants to get work calls when they're supposed to be off).
This first rule makes life interesting, especially as a single person.
Though I was given permission to have people over (even throw a party if I want) I'm not real big on instigating anything more than late-night card games with a couple (as in 2 or 3) friends. So I've had a lot of alone time. (family was in town and they came to see me a couple of times). Even with other people here, I'm the only one trained and authorized to answer the phones. This means that any task I undertake(no pun intended) cannot keep me from the phones for more than about 8 seconds. This isn't (usually) an issue when there are two people around who are trained on the phones, but with just one... everyday things must be calculated and planned.

For instance, I realized too late that even a small workout can leave you a bit winded, and if the phone rings, you have all of 5 or 6 seconds to catch your breath so you're not huffing and puffing in someone's ear when you answer the phone.
Also, I'm not big on morning showers. I shower before bed. It keeps the sheets cleaner longer, and I sleep better after a shower. However, after 5pm, I am on-duty, for the first 2 days I didn't plan ahead.
With family in town, I have been leaving in the mornings anyway to go hang out with them, i really hate morning showers so I told myself I would just get back a bit before 5 and shower then. Didn't happen.
Saturdays, I'm on duty at 2 instead of 5, again, I didn't make it back with enough time to shower.

So... I haven't showered since Wednesday. no time before 5pm on Thursday and Friday and, with one person, the Saturday shift that starts at 2pm doesn't end until 8am on Monday(I'm on-duty all night Saturday, all day on Sunday and all through Sunday night).

Another thing. When I went shopping for food for the weekend, I didn't seem to notice that what I was stocking up on was a LOT of dairy. (milk and cereal, Ice cream(for smoothies), quesodilla fixings(shredded cheese, sour cream, canned chicken, salsa), ham and cheese saniches... and Kulfi(sp) that my friends left for me.

That's a lot of dairy. I wish I had realized.... Oh well I think, I'll raid the fridge for something less dairy-y.... Pickles! yay! So I went from an overly dairy-laden diet, to a very pickled diet (no "preserves" joke here). These aren't just any pickles though, they are home grown, home pickled and canned. I finished off the already opened jar (that means I even ate the garlic clove) and went to the pantry for another. The new jar is spiced! yum. I have a suspicion that this one was seasoned by my friend's dad. it's pretty spicy though still quite dill-icious.

I'll probably be feeling the effects of my diet for the next couple of days.

It hasn't been too bad, in all. Only a few calls.... And I owe my friends for all their hospitality, they're too good to me.