Monday, January 26, 2009

Work, Work, Work...

So... there's some real characters here at work.
I think I'm going to enjoy working with them.

I started this post about two and a half weeks ago, focusing on the more quirky characters in my class. But, in the time since, I have actually become better friends with them than the "normal" ones!

originally, I had given them alias' such as "the whistler(not of Jethro Tull notoriety)", Lonelyboy15, The Surfer Duuude, Prude-y McGee, etc. But upon review of this post I realized suddenly that I'm a jerk. These kids are cool! They have some of the most interesting personalities I've ever come across.

I had this crazy, eye-opening experience that is still working throughout various facets of my life. I can't hardly explain it, except to say that I went from seeing people as obstacles and distractions, to seeing them as mirrors of myself. Weird? yeah... and maybe I just can't articulate what i mean... I've stopped seeing people, and started seeing individuals.everyone has their own unique, endearing qualities and quirks, and it's great to just observe and appreciate them, rather than scrutinize and critique and assign them a value based on how like you, or your ideal they are.

let me tell you about my boss. He's a mix between Jerry Garcia, Yoda and Mr. Miagi.
I say that with all respect. he is one of the nicest guys I've ever met, and things that I might have judged him for before don't really matter when I consider how really concerned and honest he is, and how it was never my place to judge him critically in the first place. Its great!

I feel kinda selfish, because I get excited to get to know people because I so enjoy the experience now that I have my "blinders" off. I guess because it seems like I still see people as a means to my own ends. but in all honesty, I'm in a far better place than I was before.

Now I need to work on being a good conversationalist. I've realized that as much as I enjoy people now, I've got a bad habit of focusing on myself. Inadvertently I always steer the conversation to where I want, and end up talking as much about myself as anything. Not because they don't interest me, but because I seem in the habit of talking about what I know, and I don't know how to focus conversations on others very well. :(

Thanks for reading!
100th post! woot!

please watch and share....

this woman's work.

Friday, January 16, 2009

I go it alone

Good Evening, Dear Reader!

Can I tell you how amazing my life has been as of late?

Pretty darn.

I've got this strange feeling of being outside myself most of the time. a month ago I couldn't see past the end of my nose, I don't know if I even opened my eyes. I was pretty much absorbed with myself, my thoughts. I was quiet, but inside my head was an ongoing, cynical commentary of the world as I saw it. Pretty much like living with blinders on, and just watching re-runs on TV. I had total tunnel vision. I saw people on a 2-dimensional plane, in black and white. And my constant thoughts were "this is what you call living?".

How obtuse! thank you to everyone who has contributed to my snapping out of that. I can now see around me. The first things I noticed were my hands. Clutching my existence, my remote control whereby I controlled what was channeled into my world. I'd like to say that I dropped that remote and started DOING, but it seems as if my hand has been molded to the shape of it. Interestingly enough, that means my hand has to learn to stop pointing a finger.

So, while I am adjusting to my new perspective, I've found another purpose for my pointer finger. I'm using it to turn pages. Lots of pages. I've finished 2 books I had started in the middle of last year, and begun and finished 3 books in the past week. Good books. Amazing books. The kind you can't put down. Never mind the titles. It's the words in them. I feel like I've deloused myself in reading them. I still have some itching that I think will go with the right salve, but the parasite is gone.

I can't explain this change. It's illogical even to me. I can say that my paradigm shift was not (at first) actively sought. At least, the one I got was not the one I was expecting.

I see people! real, living, breathing, loving, feeling genuine people! An incredible experience. I can't help but smile. Where as before I was so absorbed in myself that I only took notice of those in my path, not the one's with their arms outstretched (in welcoming, or in need) just the ones that posed an obstacle for me. I, who claimed to be someone capable of deep love and affection, altruism and concern for others.

I would say that I was conscious of the facade on some level. But even being honest with myself, I didn't know another way to see people. I could love, but it was selfish love. My "altruism" was really only dedication to those who could protect me. My concern for others was from a position of seeing them as weak, helpless and hopeless. Any my "reaching out" was selfish. it wasn't an open, caring hand with which I reached out; it was a foot, sheathed in a hiking boot, and I intended to use their shoulders as a leg up in my plight to climb my mountainous Ego, but I would coo assurances that I would come back for them. If not totally concerned with myself, my "reaching out" was self-righteous. I was, after all, being benevolent--something one can only HOPE for the mettle to do. I was just trying to validate myself.

Not to be down on myself, I suppose I could say that I made this change because I truly wanted to. But I do feel that it was in spite of myself. I'm glad I was able to be open to it, but other than that, I don't know if I can say that I can take any credit for how incredibly great I feel.

Thanks for reading, and for sharing joy with me.


Monday, January 12, 2009

two things....

First of all,I feel dumb a lot. But I also feel smart most of the time. You know when I feel the dumbest? When I've taken for granted that I'm smart.

A close second is mathematics. So I'll use it analogously.

If I were to learn an algebraic formula, and apply it to some problem, and I am unable to solve that problem with my formula, I'm the type of person who would immediately decide that the problem is unsolvable. Either with the tools/formulas I have been given or simply because the problem is "stupid". I look outside myself for the answer and assume that it is something I haven't learned yet.

Then I figure out (more often, someone shows me) that I haven't done the right steps, or used the right integers. Then I feel sooo stupid.

Because up to the point that I realize my mistake I am saying in my head "this equals that blah blah blah. DUH! and this equals this = DUH!" and when someone tries to teach me how to solve the problem I am thinking "don't patronize me, don't talk slowly to me like I'm an idiot. Don't you think I know how to do that? Don't you think I DID that already?"

What's even more embarrassing is that I sometimes do this for a very long period of time before I even consider the possibility that it is an error on my part. I think "I've done this a million times, I'm pretty sure I know what I'm doing, thank you very much." and then I say "...oh. Dang. I've been doing this wrong the whole time. I learned it wrong!" How stupid I feel. Anyway, this analogy sucks, because I don't think there is ANY mathematical function I have done a million times, and I am not even remotely familiar enough with any formulas that I could take for granted that I know them through and through. But I figure the rest of the world can relate on that level--automatically assuming that they are right, or know something to be fact, but find out that they never really listened in the first place.

Point is, I'm trying to stop taking for granted that I know something simply because I've heard it a thousand times before, and I'm willing to go back to the stone age and count rocks and twigs, if that's what it takes to learn the underlying truths I have proclaimed to be knowledgeable about up to now.

I took to much time talking about point #1 and forgot what point number 2 was supposed to be about. Standby, maybe it will come to me.


Till next time!

Okay, I just remembered, but it gets its own post.

Thursday, January 1, 2009


The blow left him sprawled out on the kitchen floor. He was at the mercy of his attacker, who now swung his heavy boot into his face. At the same time the man threw the earthenware plate at his head. It struck him with a *thud* on his crown, then broke in two as it hit the floor.

As he stumbled out the screen door and collapsed on the steps, breathing laboriously, a steady flow of blood from his head wound blinded his right eye.

"Speak!" the attacker demanded. But still he lay silent, unmoving. A kick to his ribcage sent him tumbling down the remaining steps, and sharp pains through his body.
He began to crawl, there was a space under the wooden staircase where he could seek refuge. But his attacker was not finished, with a single bound the man arrived by his side and grabbed his sweaty collar with a massive hand and drug him on his back toward the shed.

He was unable to breathe. He tried to roll over and gain his feet, but the gravel was loose and offered little traction. The rocks were bruising his back. His vision was blurred and dimming as he began to lose consciousness. But suddenly his head fell to the ground. He now lay along side a pile of old tires to the left of the shed door. The man disappeared into the shed, but emerged almost as suddenly, wielding an axe.

A swing like a golf club took a divot out of his back. He was almost past feeling.
Now the man stepped on his throat, raising the axe high above his head, the man spoke one last time.

"That'll be the last time you steal my pork chops, you worthless mutt."