Wednesday, January 30, 2008

postapocalyptic love song

you get back from the postapocalypsalon
and put that bright postapocalipstick on
you tone your thighs on a postapocelliptical machine
stop in at poststarbuckslypse for fix of caffeine
you end each sentence with a postapocellipsis...

I know I'm just a clone of a clone
but you shouldn't be postapacalone
I'll get down on my bionic knee
will you postapacelope with me?

You could make me the happiest man alive
I know that's not saying much
do our part to help the human race survive
in our cozy scrap metal hutch

we could be so happy together
safe from radioactive weather
safe from atomic radiation's swelter
in our cozy little fallout shelter

I wait for you with a scarred smile
as you walk down the broken aisle
I feel my mechanical respiratory system temporarily fail
when I see the sparkle in your symbiotic eye as I lift your veil
starting a new life of apocalyptic bliss
as we say "I do" and apocalyptikiss

Tuesday, January 29, 2008

Coughing up a Lung

I'm sick, so so so sick of being sick. I've been sick since Saturday night. It started off as just an itchy throat sort of cough. Throughout the night it turned into the chills. If you've never had the displeasure of a firsthand account of the chills, imagine your bones are sheathed in ice and the cold radiates through your body. no amount of external heat penetrates to your frozen core. I think the chills are the closest thing we have to absolute zero.

By sunday morning I had gotten around an hours worth of intermittent, restless dozing. I had a fever and a cough that shredded my throat while simultaneously pumping pressure into my skull. The chills were so bad I took a scalding hot bath and it felt lukewarm. I took 2 of those before 8:3oA at which time I called in to work. Nope. I was going to have to come in, I had gotten sick at work so being contagious wasn't an issue, since my boys are all cooped up together anyway, there were already 4 more boys on bed rest since the night before. I came in for a half hour while i waited for someone to take over for me. I came home and spent a few hours in a state of suspended consciousness, neither asleep or awake. I thought 'hey this might be a good opportunity to get some homework done" no way. I read the first sentence of the chapter about 23 times and couldn't coax any meaning from it. somewhere in this time it became monday and then that passed and now its tuesday night. I'm feeling a lot better now. But my lungs are ready to collapse. I have the sensation of bits of my lung being torn out with each cough. my congestion is so bad I am experiencing limited range of motion in my chest, I can't breathe in too much air or I feel my lungs crackling. I can't exert myself too much when I sit up or my ribs feel like they'll shatter.

In the past two days I've downed 2 gallons of Gatorade, 3 sleeves of saltines, 2 family sized cans of chicken noodle soup and enough dope to sedate a mormon family/small army.

I must be over hydrated now, because while I am trying to enjoy LOST, I have to pause it every 15 or 20 minutes to run downstairs to the bathroom. One good thing is that I haven't been vomiting or... you know... the other.

All this sickness has got me anticipating my full recovery and I've decided to set some goals that will help me to appreciate and improve my health. (I don't do well with goals, so don't laugh, these are attainable, not ideal.)

2 hours a week at the gym (weekends don't count, but I sometimes work out with my boys.)
start swimming.
start holding my breath (I'll do this while driving, which ups the stakes should I pass out before I reach my goal.)
and last but not least, morning and evening yoga. I have already picked it up again but I'm going to commit to consistency.

some non health-related goals I have been pondering...
Get my Passport already
Start budgeting for a big springtime purchase(plus helmet).
Be happy.

wish me luck.

oh, and I was just kidding about holding my breath while driving.

Friday, January 25, 2008

All the icy heights that contain all reason...

You know when you're walking around, maybe preoccupied with something like trying to make your shirt collar sit right on your neck. and then all of the sudden theres a moment of silence around you... no slamming doors, no laughter or speaking, no people really. And then you just sort go "whoa, how'd I get here?"

happens all the time.

I liked that feature on Myspace blogs that allowed you to pick a soundtrack for your mood/blog. Right now I'd pick Badfish.

I really like driving fast. I need to work on my car.

I'm hating the snow right now. I'm just in the mood for that sweltering, humid heat that pins you to the floor. of course it's too dry here for that.
I have to admit, the gypsy in me is really jonesing for that fix of adventure, or escapism. I'm going to log off of here and meditate for a half hour or so. But first I'm going to replay this Pixies song and grab the last root beer from the fridge.


Mind is Water

I learned this little saying from a co worker in Alaska last summer. It's a great concept, but kind of hard to practice. no, not kind of. It's REALLY hard to practice.

It goes something like this.

when water is not actively churned or agitated it settles into a calm and even state. the mind can be a serene place if you don't stir it up with worries. things that happen cannot be undone, don't slosh it around in your mind. Let it go. (ever practice yoga?) "Breathe in the tranquility around you, feel the peace spread through your body. Breathe out, feel the turmoil within escape. Contemplate on the areas of the mind that harbor bad air, with your next exhalation, purge these areas of pother and allow repose to take its place."

I think that's the general concept. I hope I'm not missing anything big.

One thing I've noticed is that I am able to do this on big matters, and I tend to hang on to the trivial things. I'm going to start working on that right now, tonight.

examples of big things that don't get me down. A few months ago I found my car being towed. I caught the tow-truck man and had him drop the car. he charged me $60 to drop it. Mind you , that's easily only half of what I would have had to pay if I had come out of the concert 5 minutes later, But still. In the past I've had a problem with dealing with these sort of situations, I have fantasized taking a tire iron to the head of a parking patrol officer as he removes the boot from my car... This time I was able to own the fact that I didn't see the tow warning sign, and that the guy was just doing his job. I was able to see my good fortune at not having to pay upwards of $200 in towing and storage fees had I come outside 5 minutes later. I paid the man and I wished him a good night. and I while I did tell a few friends about the incident, I was actually just bragging that I was able to control my self.

A few days ago I logged onto my online bank account, it said I had a hundred some odd dollars. 'that's fine,' I thought 'I'll deposit my paycheck before school sometime next week.'
I logged on last night to see that my account was overdrawn around 350 dollars. What I hadn't noticed a few days ago was that my balance was in parentheses, meaning my account had a negative balance of a hundred some-odd dollars. I had accrued an additional $200 in overdraft fees on small purchases like hot chocolate, taco bell, a netflix payment etc. Oh man, I was pretty shocked, irritated. I am paying for this semester of school out of my own pocket. The deadline isn' too far off in terms of pay periods. It's been on my mind that I need to make a hefty payment soon or I'll have a doubly drastic payment on the deadline. Needless to say this $300 deficit in my account set me back a bit. But instead of flipping out and beating myself up, cursing my bank and their $32 overdraft fees. I looked over my statement and found out just where I had erred. and when I figured it out, I accepted it and let it go. It feels really good to do that.

Some little things that affect me in a big way.

I was pretty poor growing up, almost unbelievably so. My dad was pretty thrifty, and we made do. I guess he had this theory of being self sufficient enough to be able to survive on an income that exempted us from taxes. We did this by raising poultry/eggs, growing our own vegetables (mostly squash) and eating a lot of cheap staples (probably why I'm allergic to beans now.) We ate tons of pasta, beans, squash, stew, lintels etc. My mom went to midwifery school in Texas for a few months and during that time my dad instilled in me an appreciation for food on the table. If we didn't care for the meals in front of us, we were welcome to go to bed without. It was not acceptable to pick out the parts we didn't care for (squash, hot dogs in macaroni). To this day, if I see someone picking the celery out of their stew, taking just potatoes and meat from a pot roast, or throwing away pizza crusts, it just plain affects me. This is something really small to most people, even to me, but I can't help but think of waste and expense when someone doesn't eat their crusts. I have decided to make a conscious effort to not bring it up again. This is the last time. right here and now. If I do bring it up, call me out on it... Okay I may ask for your crusts before you infect them with your filthy saliva, but I wont jump down your throat/into the trash can if you say 'no' and throw them out.

It really is good to let things go. releasing that stress is taking control of your mental health. It's really, really good. try it.

Wednesday, January 23, 2008

breath of fresh air.

It's good to be back.

School has been kicking my ass for the past couple of weeks. psychological torture. I've been so stressed with dealing with all the new experiences of going to school that I really let it get to my head. A month ago my boss was bragging about me in meetings, this week he asked me if I care about my job. That hurt. But at the same time, it's pretty evident that I haven't been present mentally, and even when I have been in the moment I've been so irritable... Anyway... Good to be back.

I was just sitting here, reflecting on a test that I've been anticipating with such anxiety that my mind became something like burnt, dried out oatmeal, and I decided that I'm pretty confident in my score. And even if I scored low, I'm going to be able to say I did my best on it. Now I know the drill and what I can expect next time around.

My mind wandered off ( I think the pain in my arm interrupted) and I started thinking about mortality. I think I do that quite a bit, it must be a habit or something. But I decided that at this point in my life I think I could hear and sit with the news that I don't have a whole lot of time left. If someone were to tell me I'm dying in a month I don't think I would go off the deep end. That's not to say I wouldn't get a lot more active. But I faced myself with the question of whether or not I would change who I am for that last month and the answer came back a pretty solid 'no'. Understand, It's who I am to try and collect my own life insurance before I'm dead. It's who I am to get revenge in the worst way, without having to watch my back. It's who I am to run from my obligations.

just kidding. Except about the money part. I guess I think of life or health insurance as kind of like car insurance. I just go to a doctor and get a quote for a really expensive treatment, and after the insurance company cuts the check I go find someone with wholesale prices and pocket the difference. I would totally do that. So, how would I spend it?

(this really is how my mind works) Well I guess first of all I would buy a nice video camera and go start making crappy movies, finance and produce them myself, and then shamelessly appeal to every theater around to grant a dying man his wish to show my art in their facilities.

I would probably work (maybe a few hours less) until I'm less mobile. Then I would spend all my time writing. expanding the little ideas that I've been jotting down as they come to me for the past.. .decade. I have that shoe box of unfinished works that I would love to spend a week on. maybe I could finish a couple in time to shamelessly send it out to a L.A. big wig or two, asking for a dying mans favor, to get it greenlighted.

And I think that's about it. I'm pretty content with life right now. I'd much rather do these things in my own time. But everyones got to go sometime, I won't hold up the line.

Wednesday, January 9, 2008


This is the blog you can summarize as "the one that ((actually) compares life to a Rubik's Cube.

I'm not really going to dissect the thought, but I think it's worth noting. After all, I was able to solve the Rubik's cube for the first time last night... with help.

Anyway, my entire life I have thought of the rubik's cube as this incredibly difficult thing that is as much chance as anything, and the overwhelming task of solving it is mostly just sticking with it till you get it right.

That's really how I've looked at life, too. You just have to buckle down and apply yourself to the task, get incredibly overwhelmed, frustrated, depressed, become hopeful, disappointed, step back and ascertain, reattempt, fail... repeat if necessary.

The thing is, with a Rubik's Cube, there's a pattern. and while you may expierience some frustration and disappointment at times, know things will change, know you have the power to change it, that damned yellow and green that is totally out of place will end up situated where it belongs if you adhere to the pattern. Eventually your frustration will give way to confidence as you jumble the blocks repeatedly and become familiar with them.

There are patterns to life. Learning the pattern is the tough part. Not knowing the patterns make things immensely more difficult, you rely on yourself in all your ignorance to be able to happen upon solutions, you end up backtracking and losing focus, maybe eventually giving up.

There are people around you who know the patterns. Find someone with the solutions and just listen and observe and try it out yourself. you'll get stuck, just relax and seek advice.

A normal (3×3×3) Rubik's Cube can have (8! × 38−1) × (12! × 212−1)/2 = 43,252,003,274,489,856,000 different positions, or permutations. (this is a figure taken from the Wikipedia page for Rubik's Cube - Permutations.)

I don't recommend letting someone else execute the patterns, you'll NEVER learn that way.