Wednesday, January 23, 2008

breath of fresh air.

It's good to be back.

School has been kicking my ass for the past couple of weeks. psychological torture. I've been so stressed with dealing with all the new experiences of going to school that I really let it get to my head. A month ago my boss was bragging about me in meetings, this week he asked me if I care about my job. That hurt. But at the same time, it's pretty evident that I haven't been present mentally, and even when I have been in the moment I've been so irritable... Anyway... Good to be back.

I was just sitting here, reflecting on a test that I've been anticipating with such anxiety that my mind became something like burnt, dried out oatmeal, and I decided that I'm pretty confident in my score. And even if I scored low, I'm going to be able to say I did my best on it. Now I know the drill and what I can expect next time around.

My mind wandered off ( I think the pain in my arm interrupted) and I started thinking about mortality. I think I do that quite a bit, it must be a habit or something. But I decided that at this point in my life I think I could hear and sit with the news that I don't have a whole lot of time left. If someone were to tell me I'm dying in a month I don't think I would go off the deep end. That's not to say I wouldn't get a lot more active. But I faced myself with the question of whether or not I would change who I am for that last month and the answer came back a pretty solid 'no'. Understand, It's who I am to try and collect my own life insurance before I'm dead. It's who I am to get revenge in the worst way, without having to watch my back. It's who I am to run from my obligations.

just kidding. Except about the money part. I guess I think of life or health insurance as kind of like car insurance. I just go to a doctor and get a quote for a really expensive treatment, and after the insurance company cuts the check I go find someone with wholesale prices and pocket the difference. I would totally do that. So, how would I spend it?

(this really is how my mind works) Well I guess first of all I would buy a nice video camera and go start making crappy movies, finance and produce them myself, and then shamelessly appeal to every theater around to grant a dying man his wish to show my art in their facilities.

I would probably work (maybe a few hours less) until I'm less mobile. Then I would spend all my time writing. expanding the little ideas that I've been jotting down as they come to me for the past.. .decade. I have that shoe box of unfinished works that I would love to spend a week on. maybe I could finish a couple in time to shamelessly send it out to a L.A. big wig or two, asking for a dying mans favor, to get it greenlighted.

And I think that's about it. I'm pretty content with life right now. I'd much rather do these things in my own time. But everyones got to go sometime, I won't hold up the line.

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