Friday, January 16, 2009

I go it alone

Good Evening, Dear Reader!

Can I tell you how amazing my life has been as of late?

Pretty darn.

I've got this strange feeling of being outside myself most of the time. a month ago I couldn't see past the end of my nose, I don't know if I even opened my eyes. I was pretty much absorbed with myself, my thoughts. I was quiet, but inside my head was an ongoing, cynical commentary of the world as I saw it. Pretty much like living with blinders on, and just watching re-runs on TV. I had total tunnel vision. I saw people on a 2-dimensional plane, in black and white. And my constant thoughts were "this is what you call living?".

How obtuse! thank you to everyone who has contributed to my snapping out of that. I can now see around me. The first things I noticed were my hands. Clutching my existence, my remote control whereby I controlled what was channeled into my world. I'd like to say that I dropped that remote and started DOING, but it seems as if my hand has been molded to the shape of it. Interestingly enough, that means my hand has to learn to stop pointing a finger.

So, while I am adjusting to my new perspective, I've found another purpose for my pointer finger. I'm using it to turn pages. Lots of pages. I've finished 2 books I had started in the middle of last year, and begun and finished 3 books in the past week. Good books. Amazing books. The kind you can't put down. Never mind the titles. It's the words in them. I feel like I've deloused myself in reading them. I still have some itching that I think will go with the right salve, but the parasite is gone.

I can't explain this change. It's illogical even to me. I can say that my paradigm shift was not (at first) actively sought. At least, the one I got was not the one I was expecting.

I see people! real, living, breathing, loving, feeling genuine people! An incredible experience. I can't help but smile. Where as before I was so absorbed in myself that I only took notice of those in my path, not the one's with their arms outstretched (in welcoming, or in need) just the ones that posed an obstacle for me. I, who claimed to be someone capable of deep love and affection, altruism and concern for others.

I would say that I was conscious of the facade on some level. But even being honest with myself, I didn't know another way to see people. I could love, but it was selfish love. My "altruism" was really only dedication to those who could protect me. My concern for others was from a position of seeing them as weak, helpless and hopeless. Any my "reaching out" was selfish. it wasn't an open, caring hand with which I reached out; it was a foot, sheathed in a hiking boot, and I intended to use their shoulders as a leg up in my plight to climb my mountainous Ego, but I would coo assurances that I would come back for them. If not totally concerned with myself, my "reaching out" was self-righteous. I was, after all, being benevolent--something one can only HOPE for the mettle to do. I was just trying to validate myself.

Not to be down on myself, I suppose I could say that I made this change because I truly wanted to. But I do feel that it was in spite of myself. I'm glad I was able to be open to it, but other than that, I don't know if I can say that I can take any credit for how incredibly great I feel.

Thanks for reading, and for sharing joy with me.

--Evan

1 comment:

Tara Belnap said...

Your posts seem so joyous.

Happy days.