Sunday, September 6, 2009

Gonna Take Some Time...

Hey Reader...

Why do you keep coming back? isn't this blog a little repetitive? Do I not have 3 or 4 topics that I rotate through with the occasional exception? Surely the intrigue now is when I'll finally "get it"... well this post is certainly not that one.

This post is yet ANOTHER lament on my life; Feeling trapped, tied down, burdened, scarred, scared, skeptical...

I'm here in Utah, with no real desire to be here whatsoever. It's nice having my brother and sister-in-law around. I have a lot of friends here.... Sure, these things are all true. But I have been here nearly 4 years, and I'm bored with it. I want my simple life back, when I wasn't tethered to school with in-state status. And, with just over half of my program completed, leaving now would be a complete waste.

Maybe I need to stop fantasizing about how good life could be somewhere else. I know that things would be just as hard somewhere else, it's just that I can't stop daydreaming about how things would be NEW somewhere else. And Utah and the experience is growing old and stale. I need a change. I want to escape the familiarity, I want to feel uncomfortable, but instead of the cause being a cramped, squelched feeling, I want it to be uncertainty. I want to date someone who doesn't know 30 of my friends... having mutual friends really takes away the "mystery"-- the get-to-know-you factor. It may not seem likely, but I assure you, there are no "Strangers" left here for me.

I just want to take my camera, my two favorite pair of jeans, a good book and a deck of cards and just GO.

If you, or someone you know, would like to sponsor me... please get in touch.


Been thinkin' about this post(I didn't really think it through, just wrote it). What I have come to realize, is that it's not that I know everybody around me, and I want some mystery in my life... there are oodles of people I don't know, and I could get to know them fairly easily. But, the problem is that there are a LOT of people who know me, but then again, they DON'T know me at all. In the past year I've had a huge change in my life, I think in the past 3 or 4 years I've been 3 entirely different people. Now, the people who have known me more than a year have this idea about me that I am all out of energy to quash, people who have known me longer than that have these very, very deep-rooted ideas about me that I can't change, EVER. If they were to take a look at me, they wouldn't see a new person, they would say "Oh, a new Evan! and that may be true, I am a new Evan, I can't be anyone else. But there is no severance in their minds between who I am now, and who I was before. There is still, in there minds, this continuity that cannot be called a new beginning, because they weren't there for the event, they weren't privy to my thoughts. All they know is that I've made changes, but they don't know the depth to which I have changed. I don't know that they could fathom it. I am still Evan, and I am limited to who I am --and what I might become-- by what I have been.

New people can't know me either, but the beauty of it is that they aren't blinded by images of what I used to be. That's what a move and a new life would do for me. Like I said, I could get to know new people here, people I have never met before. But I can't escape the people who I know already, and the transference between the old me and new me that they subconsciously perform.

Another thing. I would say I am quite lonely. I would say that I have a lot of friends, and I enjoy them immensely--but I'm lonely. I'm not playing the victim here... perhaps more the martyr. I choose to be lonely. I could be "Dating" someone within a week if I decided to, but I have made a choice not to. It's definitely not fun. It occurs to me every now and again, when I realize some girl is smitten with me, that it would be so simple just to go along with it. Why not? many of these girls are exceptionally attractive, and not all of them have issues. I could easily get along with them, even enjoy being with them.... But it wouldn't be fair. As much as I could enjoy a relationship right now, I am too self-centered to invest myself. I've chosen myself over someone else, because until find someone I want to choose over myself, I will be too selfish for any relationship. So, here I am.

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