Thursday, December 16, 2010

"To thine own self be true"

This posting is going to be different.

I'm going to be different.

I realized recently that I am very discontented with who I am; I am not aligned with my own values. Sure, sure, you've heard me rant about it before on here, how I am continuously trying to weed out the things about myself that I don't like. Overcoming selfishness has been a big theme in my life for the past few years. I have this theory that just about every breakdown in communication, every impasse, every altercation, comes from selfishness. If we were all a little less selfish— if we could see outside ourselves for a moment (which is immensely difficult in the moment, granted), I think we would all find that life is less of a struggle. While we sit by—taking it easy, nursing our own aches— there is someone sliding from their vantage, dangling on a precipice, calling out for help.

The truth is, several months ago, I made an unconscious decision to be completely selfish. It wasn't decided in those terms... which is exactly what let the attitude settle in. The thought was something like this 'I am tired'. And slowly, as occasions would arise, I would identify what was making me so tired.

'Tired of meeting expectations', 'tired of being let down', 'tired of being accountable', 'tired of taking the fall', 'tired of hoping and praying', 'tired of pretense','tired of sharing...' 

Then I came to the conclusion that I just was too tired to care. So I stopped.

And now I have become disgusted with who I am. I am self-indulgent, judgmental, and non-compassionate, self-serving, lazy and unmotivated.

As I write this, I am watching the first rays of dawn trinkle through my window, and I have yet to sleep. I spent the entire night tinkering with my camera, trying to perfect a new technique. Wait— not the entire night. I also set 3 new speed records on Minesweeper. I am Evan's complete embarrassment. 

So now I commit to getting back to that place I was at, and striving to attain that place I want to be. I worry people when I say this, but I honestly feel that time is a factor in fulfilling my dreams. As I enrolled in spring classes, I came to the realization that I was committing 4 more months of my life to the pursuit of a degree that I don't actually feel I will have much time to "use" before I die. Sounds melodramatic even to me, but this inkling comes from a tried and trusted sense that I've never really been able to explain. 
All the more reason for me to be the person I want to be.

1 comment:

Megnificent said...

well, i'm proud of the person you are--perceived incompletions and all.