Friday, June 26, 2009

Thick as a Brick

I've always been stubborn.

When I was younger, being home-schooled, my dad tried to drive home the importance of an education. I think he went about it in all the wrong ways, humiliation was his tactic. He would ask me multiplication tables in public. or ask me the same one over and over again until it became a joke-- but one that conveyed that he had zero confidence in my abilities. I think he wanted me to apply myself so I could one day surprise him by knowing the answer. But, this blog isn't about some deep-set resentment toward my dad, it's about me.

My dad would ask me what I wanted to be when I grew up. "a computer programmer" was my reply for much of my childhood. Then I turned 13 and got a guitar, and then it was "rockstar" (we wont get into his criticisms of that).

And I really thought I would be rockstar. forget learning methods, or "music theory" or "Scales" and how to read music... I was going to revolutionize the world on my own terms. I dreamed of being the only one on the stage, because I was just. that. good. I think somehow I was Idolizing Dick Van Dyke's character "Bert" at the beginning of Mary Poppins more than more traditional rockers...

I wouldn't say I was determined, I just was convinced. Surely it would happen.

Then I saw a movie (I wont say which. And if you know you had better not either.) that made me think of what it must be like to be behind the scenes of filmmaking. I'll admit, I didn't really consider it being a viable career choice for a while after, but I did begin trying to figure out they made things work on film. And when I came around to the decision to go into film, I was determined to make it on my own. I wasn't going to buy into the whole Hollywood scene, I was going to do it all on my own.

Only very recently have I realized how I've stunted myself by rejecting the easy road. not even the "easy road", the traditional route. And it goes deeper than that. I think that the reason I did so, was so I could claim all the glory when I succeeded. So I could revel in my accomplishments while everyone else just wished they had known me. It may even be a driving factor still today... proving people wrong, making them regret not giving me a chance, showing them what they missed out on. But what I'm realizing is that I'm delusional. How does one make a film my himself? Even Charlie Chaplin had help....

I have just been selfish. feeling that there is only so much fame out there, and I want the biggest slice I can get. I suppose there is a polar opposite that is just as bad, which is still self-centered, but at the expense of those around you. at least I wasn't trying to take undue credit... not really.

But still, I guess all my life I have seen myself in a dog eat dog world, only because I refuse to run with a pack. There's safety--belonging--in numbers.

My friend just got engaged. Wonderful news. But at the same time, really depressing. I push people away because I refuse to compromise, only later to learn that I was dead set on something I didn't really want. I can't celebrate other people's accomplishments and fortune because I'm so focused on getting mine... When am I going to grow out of this?

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