Tuesday, August 19, 2008

No Resolution

I know I've blogged about this before... not too long ago, even. But here we go, oh here we go again.

I should have known.
I can't help but think I must be doing things all backwards. I make these choices, and I am resolved to them. But then for some reason I will sabotage myself. And afterwards, while I lay totally discombobulated, disoriented and confused by my own behavior, I suddenly realize how my plan was set to fail from the start. I don't know how to explain it. I guess I'm really good at not considering things that may deter me from what I want, because to consider them would to be to consider failure and I really don't want to do that.... hence.... psshh.

Okay now I'll give you more specifics, my dearly confused reader. Fairly recently I told my Bishop that I was done with the church. I was really straight forward with him about my reasons, and he was very reasonable about it. He has this genuine concern for me. And it seems like after the conversation, he seemed confident in me and my plans. He praised my honesty with him and myself, told me that (for what it's worth) he would pray for me. And he told me that he was sure I would find my way, one way or the other. Then he asked me if I wanted a calling and I accepted, but that's a different story.

Since that time, I haven't been to church, I haven't read my scriptures, I haven't fasted or prayed, I haven't... Yeah, I'm not practicing.

At the same time, I haven't started drinking, I haven't smoked (okay, herbal cigarettes for film props... but they are NASTY) I haven't fornicated, I haven't gone off the deep end. I'm just being good on my terms, instead of by the terms of an organized religion. I acknowledged that I was still going to be living in Utah, surrounded by practicing mormons. And I thought 'know what... that's going to be a problem for you, Evan' and this is why.

I like girls. but not very many. I have liked girls who are non-LDS, I have liked a couple who are, but in choosing to be inactive, I was also choosing not to get involved with someone who is active. How could I expect someone who loves the church to love me, too? It's not fair. At the risk of sounding like an egotistical ass, I think I have something that many many many mormon boys don't have, so it has happened before that girls who have "RM" on their checklist end up being attracted to me.

But why can't I make the choice easily to not pursue LDS girls? I like LDS girls. LDS girls are good people, people I want to be around. But how? I don't agree with what they believe...

a puzzlement.

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