Wednesday, August 27, 2008

Hide in My Room

I have been pretty stressed out lately. I Have been dealing with a lot of conflict in several different aspects of my life.

I know I've blogged before about my "new outlook" on religion... I have realized that everyone can find the answer they want. And I feel that the answer that I have gotten was a direct result of the attitude I have had. I have said I have no animosity toward the church or it's members. But that is probably less true that I have let on. I have been fed up with mormon culture for a looong time. And I feel that there are many things about the church that have become common practice, though not actual principles of the gospel. I have allowed this aversion to misinterpretation to affect the way I hear or see the good intentions of those around me, and in turn, this has affected my views of the church as a means and not an end. I have had an eye peeled for examples to prove my point that the church has many flaws, I am now realizing that these are not inherent flaws, but rather inadvertent missteps by its members, who deserve a little forgiveness for their humanity.

Anyway, coming to accept that I have not thoroughly examined these things has been a difficult thing to do, But also exciting in a way. I realize that I have had a bias, and other logical errors that make me eager to reattempt. One if the things that has complicated the process of deciding to give the church another try, is that I have recently become involved with someone to whom the church is very important. I have been hesitant to say "yes, I'll go to church.. even though I feel I have found irreconcilable differences with it" and this has led to discussions about the church between us which showed me those fundamental attribution errors that I have made about the church and its members.

I don't want to do anything for the wrong reasons. Especially when it involves someone else. So I took a long hard look at whether or not it was worth it to me to try Church again, for myself... not with regards to my relationships with others. I have decided that it is worth it to me. though I'm sure some will say that I have decided to go back to church to please and appease a girl... and it may seem that way, but it is because this girl has been involved in my introspective, philosophical, religious and spiritual exploration. but the choice is mine, for me.

I have also been trying to decide whether or not to go to school this semester. I didn't make up my mind until today (The first day of classes --a little late, huh?). It's crazy to thing that I had made up my mind to be proactive and take care of my financial aid paperwork before summer classes even started (I didn't go over the summer, but I wanted to get a jump on the application process). I have run into some major issues. first of all, I am under the age of 24, which means that I must have my parent's tax information on my Financial Aid application. Now, I think this is one of the dumbest things... I havent lived at home for nearly 6 years now. And thought my parents have done a lot to help me out, I don't think they consider me their dependent. I suppose time flies when you're having fun. This has been a really relaxed summer for me, and I guess getting financial aid kinda slipped down the list of priorities for me. but at any rate, I never got that information, partially because I didn't want to continue hassling my parents for their information, and partially because I was pretty sure it wouldn't be forthcoming anyway. My dad said he could find that information, but that he thought it would be bad for me. My mother emailed my sister to ask her if she had her tax info, and sent me a copy of the email.... that was all I ever really heard from her. And it seems somewhat like the forwarded copy of the email, to me was to wash her hands of responsibility for the task by showing that she had done her part in asking for it. maybe not, but it confused me to get a copy of an email to someone else without anything directed to me in the email. so it seems like more of an insurance thing.

So, today was the first day of class, and I decided to stay in bed. I wasn't sure if I would be able to go to school, and I was really tired. So I decided that indecision would be my choice. However, when I got up this afternoon, I began thinking of how much I really wanted to go to school this semester, and I decided to ask my dad for his tax information.

My dad told me that he would rather just shell out the cost of my tuition than go through all the red tape of dealing with the IRS and running the risk of getting no financial aid in the end.

I'm really grateful for that. I can now be excited for school, as well as be excited to move to Guam next year. the two can both become realities! So, my inclination to avoid my problems by pretending they don't exist... it didn't work, I'm just glad that I don't have to spend a year making up for my summer of procrastination.

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