Wednesday, October 22, 2008

I gotta be more personable...

All my life I have been able to count the number of people I call Friend on one hand.
This is not another sob story about how I was deprived of social interaction growing up (but it's true). It may in some remote way have affected my concept of what a friend is, but if it did, it is in an entirely counter-intuitive way.

It's always been something that floats in and out of my awareness-- the fact that I don't pledge much concern to much of anyone but myself, but only recently have I begun to see the impact it has had.

When I speak of an "impact", being who I am, I'm referring to the negative effect that this has had on ME. I don't know why I'm so selfish and I honestly don't know if I can change that about myself. I would like to think it is possible, but I think in the end, it is mainly selfishness that motivates people. I am a very empathetic person, and I often do selfless things out of concern for others. But I'm not sure where I draw the line of things I would give up for someone else. That's probably why I have yet to land in a plain of understanding anywhere near the realm of the concept of matrimony... I dunno if that even makes any sense... suffice it to say, I don't understand why anybody my age would ever consider getting married... unless for selfish reasons, like a tax break or a double portion of government funny money "stimulus package". I can at least say that I'm not THAT selfish. but then again... maybe the reason I would never get married strictly for monetary gain (mutually agreed upon on by both parties) is because I know it wouldn't last, and then if I found someone with whom I could see myself, I wouldn't exactly have a clean record. so there's a level of selfishness in every choice I make.

So, with that little exploration of my psyche, I think I'm ready to address the topic of this post. wait... maybe not.

Like I said before, I don't consider people friends unless they are enough like me take on some sort of proxy role to facilitate my unconscionable preoccupation with self-indulgence. Self-indulgence by proxy. It's what I do. I have had "best friends" who are now pretty much just memories to me. I find it really easy to move on. I don't know if it's because after a while I forget about them-- who they were, how to interact with them. I feel like I wouldn't know what to say to them if we did talk again. I'm probably fooling myself, I'm just saying, I do a good job of that. Friends for me are there always, and even then I may not consider you a friend. some people I can know for years and never graduate them from "Acquaintance" (there's probably a better word, but I don't know it.

I'm really stingy with who I call friend. and I don't know why. I'll admit I am really judgmental, and snooty when it comes to who I deem smart, witty, funny, cool, interesting, etc. and someone has to possess an exceptional amount of one, or several of these things for me to befriend them. otherwise they are simply someone to talk to when there's no one else to talk to.

So why? why do I think I'm so much better than anyone else? I don't even live up to my own high standards, why do I demand that of others? And when they fall short of my standard, why do I feel like I'm being gracious to accept them anyway "despite their flaws".

I am only really severing myself from valuable insights and experiences. again, I remind you, I am only really looking at what's in it for me. Being accepting of others, being free with my praise and time and laughter and love would only widen my world of understanding. There are so many "Acquaintances" who might have been partners-in-crime, valuable connections, owners of insight and knowledge, and I have put them out of my circle. Just because I have always had a really small circle with not a lot of room. I think I need to expand my circle.

If I do this thing, I think I will get more friends, friends with connections and resources. or people with ideas I can borrow, off of whom I can bounce my own ideas...

I just need to work on letting down that imaginary fence that I raise between myself and people I don't know intimately.

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