I'm someone who puts a lot of value on being honest, and it is possible that I underestimate the value of buttering people up. I'm pretty straightforward if I need to say something. I've gotten over the excessive use of those words that lend uncertainty as to the point of my question or comment. you know, those words like kinda, sorta, maybe, a little, possibly.... I still use them I just get to the point. My friends often relay to me that I have offended someone in my tactlessness. Of course I feel bad that they were offended, but not to the point that I am going to walk on eggshells around them.
So, when my bishop found out that my weekends are about to clear up, and made the comment "great! so we'll be seeing you at church again!" I had to interject. "actually, no."
See, this is something else about myself; I'm not spiritually motivated. I hate the fact that it has taken me this long to write off going to church as something that just doesn't jive with me. But the fact is, there is nothing about it that I value--or rather, everything that there is to church that I value, I can also find from a different source, without the high concentration of things that I don't value. I won't expound here upon my reasons.
Something along with that. I'm trying to deal with the fact that I live in a society where so much emphasis and value is placed on ones faith and spirituality. There are aspects of this that I don't mind so much, but then again it puts me in a weird position. It's nice to live around so many people who generally have the attributes that I value, but then again, I would say that a very high percentage of these people have intertwined their values with their religion. And this is where I become the odd one out. It's all well and good if I don't smoke, have a very strong sense of integrity, respect women and children, know who I am, and am constantly working to be a better person. But if I do not "delight in the things of the gospel", then it's "seeyalaterbye". I don't have a problem with being honest with myself and others, but it hurts to forgo relationships that would be strained by the dynamic of my views and actions. I can't ask someone to be with me despite our fundamental differences. I could bare my soul and pledge my affection in hopes that she would love me anyway, or I could try the responsible approach and just stuff those emotions down, pretend that I never wanted something more and we can both go on about our lives. I've always been unable to function without exploring what might have been.
This time around I'm going to accept the terms of my decision and not put it on someone else to map out the boundaries I have committed myself to. This song pretty much sums up my feelings on that issue.
It sucks. but that's life. It would be easier to continue to go with the formula for happiness that the LDS church has laid out for its members, but that would only be for the sake of being accepted by family and friends or lovers, avoiding controversial discussions, Etc. I have never found a part of religion that I have valued that is exclusive to religion. I don't have to be spiritual to value honesty and integrity. I don't have to worship god to be an example of goodness to those around me. I have chosen not to exist on the pretense that I am inherently flawed. I wont say I am constantly, anxiously trying to become the best person I can be, but I AM trying to be a good person. And I don't attribute that to anything but my own interpretation of what is good. (Yes, my values are subject to social influence.... Please, let's not get all caught up in the philosophical implications of deciding what is "good" and "bad").
This isn't something I've randomly decided to do. Maybe I'll explain more later.
No doubt this blog will come as a shock to at least a few of you, my dear readers. I can understand that. I hope you understand me as well. Please, don't grieve the loss of my eternal soul. I am not (I think) on the wide and welcoming, albeit slippery, pathway to perdition. I am simply disillusioned to (and perhaps a little bit idealistically critical of) the "only way" mentality of organized religion. I am evaluating my relationship with God through the absence of his influence in my life, and I believe in a god that respects my need to do so, for my own sake.
Again, I wish you would give me the benefit of the doubt before you throw the book at me. A few words come to mind as potential descriptions of my views. heretic, apostate, reprobate.... and maybe these fit, who knows? Just rest assured that my new paradigm is not a contrived excuse to do all the things that do not coincide with LDS doctrine (word of wisdom, law of chastity... all those).
Wednesday, June 25, 2008
Monday, June 16, 2008
Update
As per a request for a fresh post... here goes.
I quit my job. I have finally had enough of the bullcrap that goes on perpetually at my work. I'd like to think that I have been an influence for good in the lives of the boys I work with, but I have found that the vast majority of my efforts have been thwarted. Not by the boys or their resistance to change. By the company, and their disregard for the way... an RTC should be managed. I decided a little less than 2 months ago that I had had enough. I have been given the runaround for 16 months about getting health insurance, and I've put up with the bullshit for long enough. My 2-weeks comes at a bad time for my boss and the rest of the staff, we've had trouble getting adequate staffing for the past several weeks. I'd like to say that I don't care, but I do... I feel like I'm leaving a lot of people holding the bag for selfish reasons. But then again, is it REALLY that selfish to turn away from an employer who has snubbed me time and time again? I need to take care of myself, and I can't do that on the empty promises that come from this job. My boss asked me if there was anything he could do to persuade me to stick around, I told him that if he did something now, only after realizing that I am quitting, I would only be more insulted. To know that they could change what I've been trying to get changed for months, but only to keep me from leaving... I'm done talking about this now. I'm just boiling my blood over it, and I've done too much of that already. good news is, the last weekend of June will be my last week of obligation at that job, although I'm not ruling out the possibility of working there "On Call".
I bought my Video Camera. After months and months of saving, and my stimulus package/tax return, I finally got enough money to buy myself a high end video camera for making movies. I dealt with a lot of red tape to get the order in but as of about 1 this afternoon, my order was processed and my camera will be in the mail tomorrow. It is a Canon XH-A1, an HD camera. I have been drooling over a standard definition camera (XL2) for about 3 years, and when I finally got the money to get it, I went with the HD model. Hopefully I don't regret this choice. It was kind of sudden (in terms of research and so forth... I have spent TONS more time reading reviews and technical descriptions of the XL2). This camera has a couple of things about it that I might end up not liking so much. First of all, It's HD (Hi-Def) And I worry that I am giving up that "film look" that is synonymous with the XL2. getting the HD isn't so much out of necessity as an effort to get ahead of the game, make the transition to HD so that my equipment will last me longer, and hopefully rise to the challenge of my high aspirations (Cinema-quality, feature-length films). Secondly, This camera doesn't have interchangeable lenses. not that I could afford the alternate lenses for the other camera I was considering, but it is reasurring to know that one can change out lenses to get the desired exposure/effect for most applications. In researching this camera I learned that the fixed lens of the XHA1 is every bit as versatile as any standard lenses for the XL2 combined. Wider/Longer.... etc. still, to think I defaulted on some unforeseen situation by going with the fixed lens is worrisome to me. I have dreams of this camera eventually paying for itself, but I guess we'll have to wait and see.
I got my motorcycle Running. My 2+ year project is finally coming to fruition! with a ton of help from my brother I got a bona fide, operational motorcycle, sans working blinkers, speedometer/odometer and good looks (it is 5 different colors right now, not counting primer and bond-o). Hopefully I will have it looking brand new soon, although I have until the end of winter to have it ready to resell. I intend to use what I make off of reselling it to put a down payment on a newer, nicer bike. I'll also cut my brother in for a good chunk of the profit for all the work and time he put into it, including but not limited to: Shopping for/buying parts, Moving it around, research, condescending/informative explanations, actual work on bike, loaning me his helmet/riding gear, brainstorming/troubleshooting, using his wife as a gopher, more moving, etc. I got my helmet in the mail on Thursday, and I intend to get to work on the fairings sometime soon (next paycheck).
I am scheduled to get my tumors looked at. I finally called a doctor/surgeon to get my icky tumors looked at and, hopefully, hacked out. I guess tumor surgeons are in high demand, I have 3 weeks before my appointment, Luckily my dad never canceled my health insurance policy from 3 years ago, so I should have nothing to worry about on coverage.
I have made little or no progress on my script since my last posting.
And finally, My co-moviemaker has uploaded our long-promised 1st episode of Lords-a-Larping, Enjoy!
I quit my job. I have finally had enough of the bullcrap that goes on perpetually at my work. I'd like to think that I have been an influence for good in the lives of the boys I work with, but I have found that the vast majority of my efforts have been thwarted. Not by the boys or their resistance to change. By the company, and their disregard for the way... an RTC should be managed. I decided a little less than 2 months ago that I had had enough. I have been given the runaround for 16 months about getting health insurance, and I've put up with the bullshit for long enough. My 2-weeks comes at a bad time for my boss and the rest of the staff, we've had trouble getting adequate staffing for the past several weeks. I'd like to say that I don't care, but I do... I feel like I'm leaving a lot of people holding the bag for selfish reasons. But then again, is it REALLY that selfish to turn away from an employer who has snubbed me time and time again? I need to take care of myself, and I can't do that on the empty promises that come from this job. My boss asked me if there was anything he could do to persuade me to stick around, I told him that if he did something now, only after realizing that I am quitting, I would only be more insulted. To know that they could change what I've been trying to get changed for months, but only to keep me from leaving... I'm done talking about this now. I'm just boiling my blood over it, and I've done too much of that already. good news is, the last weekend of June will be my last week of obligation at that job, although I'm not ruling out the possibility of working there "On Call".
I bought my Video Camera. After months and months of saving, and my stimulus package/tax return, I finally got enough money to buy myself a high end video camera for making movies. I dealt with a lot of red tape to get the order in but as of about 1 this afternoon, my order was processed and my camera will be in the mail tomorrow. It is a Canon XH-A1, an HD camera. I have been drooling over a standard definition camera (XL2) for about 3 years, and when I finally got the money to get it, I went with the HD model. Hopefully I don't regret this choice. It was kind of sudden (in terms of research and so forth... I have spent TONS more time reading reviews and technical descriptions of the XL2). This camera has a couple of things about it that I might end up not liking so much. First of all, It's HD (Hi-Def) And I worry that I am giving up that "film look" that is synonymous with the XL2. getting the HD isn't so much out of necessity as an effort to get ahead of the game, make the transition to HD so that my equipment will last me longer, and hopefully rise to the challenge of my high aspirations (Cinema-quality, feature-length films). Secondly, This camera doesn't have interchangeable lenses. not that I could afford the alternate lenses for the other camera I was considering, but it is reasurring to know that one can change out lenses to get the desired exposure/effect for most applications. In researching this camera I learned that the fixed lens of the XHA1 is every bit as versatile as any standard lenses for the XL2 combined. Wider/Longer.... etc. still, to think I defaulted on some unforeseen situation by going with the fixed lens is worrisome to me. I have dreams of this camera eventually paying for itself, but I guess we'll have to wait and see.
I got my motorcycle Running. My 2+ year project is finally coming to fruition! with a ton of help from my brother I got a bona fide, operational motorcycle, sans working blinkers, speedometer/odometer and good looks (it is 5 different colors right now, not counting primer and bond-o). Hopefully I will have it looking brand new soon, although I have until the end of winter to have it ready to resell. I intend to use what I make off of reselling it to put a down payment on a newer, nicer bike. I'll also cut my brother in for a good chunk of the profit for all the work and time he put into it, including but not limited to: Shopping for/buying parts, Moving it around, research, condescending/informative explanations, actual work on bike, loaning me his helmet/riding gear, brainstorming/troubleshooting, using his wife as a gopher, more moving, etc. I got my helmet in the mail on Thursday, and I intend to get to work on the fairings sometime soon (next paycheck).
I am scheduled to get my tumors looked at. I finally called a doctor/surgeon to get my icky tumors looked at and, hopefully, hacked out. I guess tumor surgeons are in high demand, I have 3 weeks before my appointment, Luckily my dad never canceled my health insurance policy from 3 years ago, so I should have nothing to worry about on coverage.
I have made little or no progress on my script since my last posting.
And finally, My co-moviemaker has uploaded our long-promised 1st episode of Lords-a-Larping, Enjoy!
Monday, June 9, 2008
Got my motor bycle running.
Pictures to come, although right now it's looking like a skeleton or something.
My brother has helped me a tremendous amount. He actually pretty much did it himself, and i forked out the cash. But after over 2 and a half years I finally have a functioning motorcycle "Motorbycle").
I have been back and forth on whether to keep it or not, I have come very very close to selling it, and for good money. But the fact that it would bring more as a finished, running bike than as a project kept me from letting it go. Finally, after 1800 dollars I have something to show for it. It isn't much of a looker, but I'm making plans to fix that, too.
To all you quadruwheelers out there. open your eyes and look around. Your half-assed glances at a stop sign aren't enough to see a motorcycle, we just don't have the same visibility as a 3-ton Hummer H2. The majority of motorcycle deaths aren't because the rider was a Evel Kineval wannabe who was trying to break a land speed record, they are because other drivers "didn't see them". If you can't bring yourself to be aware of the two wheeler vehicles around you for the sake of their safety, it may help to consider that in any incident involving a motorcycle or scooter and a car the fault will be on the driver of the car 80% of the time citing negligence as the cause. Cyclists have not only their equilibrium to consider, but they also have to consider all the morons around them who are too distracted to notice them. so, in effect, motorcyclists are driving for themselves and everyone around them. cut us a break and don't assume that anything that isn't casting a shadow isn't worthy of space on the street. Thank you.
My brother has helped me a tremendous amount. He actually pretty much did it himself, and i forked out the cash. But after over 2 and a half years I finally have a functioning motorcycle "Motorbycle").
I have been back and forth on whether to keep it or not, I have come very very close to selling it, and for good money. But the fact that it would bring more as a finished, running bike than as a project kept me from letting it go. Finally, after 1800 dollars I have something to show for it. It isn't much of a looker, but I'm making plans to fix that, too.
To all you quadruwheelers out there. open your eyes and look around. Your half-assed glances at a stop sign aren't enough to see a motorcycle, we just don't have the same visibility as a 3-ton Hummer H2. The majority of motorcycle deaths aren't because the rider was a Evel Kineval wannabe who was trying to break a land speed record, they are because other drivers "didn't see them". If you can't bring yourself to be aware of the two wheeler vehicles around you for the sake of their safety, it may help to consider that in any incident involving a motorcycle or scooter and a car the fault will be on the driver of the car 80% of the time citing negligence as the cause. Cyclists have not only their equilibrium to consider, but they also have to consider all the morons around them who are too distracted to notice them. so, in effect, motorcyclists are driving for themselves and everyone around them. cut us a break and don't assume that anything that isn't casting a shadow isn't worthy of space on the street. Thank you.
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