Tuesday, February 19, 2008

I don't know how to give myself advice.

I've been coping better with school, lately. I have gotten around the mystery of it all and now I'm just pressing through, head down.

Now I'm on to dealing with the fact that I just plain do NOT enjoy school. I guess I never have, although I had confused my thirst for knowledge as compatible with school until now. I hate going to school. I hate sitting through lecture after lecture, paying for it all out of pocket and not learning anything that I want to.

I have been stressed out because I know that I have two options before me. I can either go to school year 'round and get it all(the first half of it) over with a half year earlier, or I can get through this semester and take the summer off to regroup. I know myself pretty well. I know that I hate being obligated to be anywhere for very long... and I've already passed my previous record for staying put since leaving home. I also know that I will NOT have the gumption to go back to school in the fall. If I quit for the summer I will be done indefinitely. I will probably be gone from Utah before fall semester even starts.

I've been playing little psychological tricks on myself. I sent off for my Passport the other day. I was reasoning with myself that I feel trapped, and that getting my passport would represent some freedom without requiring me to go anywhere to prove to myself that I'm not tethered down.

I have also been trying to make myself feel more at home here by trying out the whole "settling in" routine. Last night I went and bought the first comforter I've had since I inherited Garfield from my brother when I was about 9. I bought a set of matching sheets and a flannel pillowcase. I came home and made my new bed, putting my sleeping bag, which I have grown so accustomed to, in the closet. Maybe having a real bed to sleep in with real blankets will make me feel situated, instead of sleeping in my ready-to-hit-the-road sleeping bag.

Today I dejunked my room. I rearranged a little, I vacuumed my floor and stacked my papers and bills in neat stacks. I cleaned out my closet and rearranged the crap in it. I hung up my jackets, I even started a bag for donating my old corduroy jackets and worn out blue jeans.
I couldn't stop with all that momentum, I went downstairs and cleaned out my car. I'll admit, I left an old sleeping bag in the back, just in case. but everything else has been put away. My car got washed for the first time since I bought it. Vacuumed out and detailed...

I hope I'm not just wasting my time and money by trying to improve my quality of life. in the end I just want some freedom.
P.S. Vero, I found that bright orange pair of high heel flip flops, they are in the bag of donations so if you want them...

1 comment:

Janell said...

I'm glad to know I'm not the only one who clings to the illusion that a passport represents some sort of freedom.