Transforming Thoughts

I'm not exactly sure what I'm going to write here, but I have already picked the title, so here goes.

I guess I have been thinking a lot about where my life experiences have led me, and how they have culminated in the person I am today. I have been kind of regretting my passive role in many of these experiences, wishing that I had been a little more thoughtful, a little more motivated, a little more judicious, in my decision making. I have pondered on this sort of thing before, but most usually I conclude that I am more introspective, more judicious, more thoughtful than most people. I guess lately, I have stopped comparing myself to "most people" in a lot of different ways. I have developed my self-identity to the point that I get to shelf my insecurities and simply exist in my mind, sometimes for hours out of the week. I have recently been told that a new acquaintance considers me one of the most spiritual people they have ever met. That surprised the heck out of me, because not only do I not generally identify as a 'spiritual' person, I have a long history of skepticism (to say the least) of what most people call 'spirituality'. However, at the same time, I can accept it as a compliment.

In the past 9 months or so, I have had so many mind-boggling spiritual experiences that if I shared them with most folks, they would be less interested in my stories, and more concerned with my psychological profile. But I don't share them with most folks, I share them with people who I trust, whether I think they will understand or not. Even so, nearly all of them not only believe me, but support me in the path I am on. Essentially every single person I interact with—and certainly those I interact with on a daily basis— I have known for a year or less, give or take a month or two. Most of these people have no idea how I was raised, or what I have been through in my life. That's because it's irrelevant. I guess it might be nice for them to know something of my background, but in the end, I have taken a lot of opportunity to reinvent myself, after going through a life-changing year 2012. I moved somewhere that I didn't know anyone, and I got a fresh start. It has been great to be able to start a new path, where I am not constantly reminded of, or beckoned to return to, a path I stopped following. I don't mean to be vague, but I assume that my readership is at least somewhat familiar with what I'm referring to. I am no longer living with people with whom I shared a common background of Mormonism, or the same college, or even the same pastimes. This being the case, I get to represent myself to my new friends in a much more immediate, and relevant way. I guess what I have been saying for the past half a paragraph, is that my relationships now consist of much less BSing, and much more exploration of widely varied concepts, since I have left so much routine and familiarity behind.

One thing that I have been spending a lot of time with is my inner self. I have been able to tune in with my spiritual side, and I have had by far the most rewarding spiritual experiences in my life. I have gotten more in tune with my own energetic frequency, and my intuition has become so reliable that I often surprise myself with my ability to foresee various situations, or others' needs. I am not completely at peace with who I am. I know I have many habits and patterns in my life that I would like to eradicate and replace with healthy, loving behaviors. I know I'm moving in the right direction, because of all the opportunities that have presented themselves to me through changing my attitude and adjusting my lifestyle. Yet, parts of me that I would like to leave behind linger still, and just like old habits, these tendencies die hard. I wish I could see the future, but the present will have to do. I am grateful for great friends who are always ready to really, truly listen and give thoughtful feedback. This has been quite a year for new experiences and new perspectives.

Digital Age

Facebook is a really great tool for keeping in touch with friends and family all across the globe. It's a great platform for discussing myriad topics and issues in near-real time, It's a convenient place for finding and relaying information and creativity...

But I feel like it has taken over my life, in the same way that TV seems to take over people's lives. I want to spend more time in my own head, getting to know myself, getting to explore my own thoughts and psyche, experiencing real time.. But with a massive distraction like Facebook, I am continuously drawn outside of my own mind. I am bombarded with new and often personally irrelevant information that I can be so fascinated and obsessed with, that I will sit for hours reading about things that I will never actually utilize in my life.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not blaming Facebook for my love of learning (at least for entertainment value), but I have come to realize the extent to which I am simply distracting myself. Like watching MTV (or even the History channel) I am just spending my mental energy observing others as they produce, instead of digging deep into my own mental resources and producing something of my own. I have always kept up my creative writing as a hobby. But I am realizing how many books I could have written by now if I had spent anywhere NEAR the amount of time writing that I do on facebook.

I think I'm going to take a hiatus. I have said I would before, but I've never done it for any significant amount of time. I am still not sure how long I will do it for (something I will figure out before I start, so I have a clear goal). Perhaps it will be based on completing a work of some sort (screenplay, book, etc.) instead of a time frame. Maybe a good combination of both. I have a sneaky suspicion that after a month or two of not using it, I won't even have an interest in using it. I have given up a few other things in my life recently (smoking, drinking, etc), and I feel that this will be one of the more difficult ones for me, but perhaps one of the more significant ones, in terms of becoming a new/better person. Information is like a drug to my mind, and I need to break the cycle.

I have been second guessing this inkling that I should "log off" for a while, mostly because it makes me feel weak to have to go to such extremes to manage control over my compulsions, but habits are hard to break. They say that it takes at least as long to break a habit as it does to establish one, and I've been an FB'er for about 5 years.... ;)

I just need a healthy routine. I need to kick my laptop out of my bed, and sleep. I need to wake up in to morning and not roll over to log on. Even though I am fairly productive (okay, maybe not this past week) during the day, I feel like I waste my 'me' time doing absolutely nothing. I am pretty sure that the development of digital interfacing will soon be considered an essential part of being human. Perhaps in my lifetime, we will become what sci-fi has termed "Cyborgs". But I want to have a solid foundation in my biology before I make that step, and an essential part of that is being able to control my thoughts and actions, not simply to veg out and go with the flow.

I will probably be redirecting much of my time toward writing, so you may even see an increase of activity on my blog.

Thanks for reading.